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The Pet Peeves. - Do It Yourself projects that lure you in with the promise of low parts cost, before hitting you with the fine-print assumption that, surely, you already have most of the expensive tools and parts lying around (yeah, left over from the last twenty dollar DIY project. "Honey, have you seen my computerized mill lathe and $260 bucks worth of fine grain 2" oak? This $40 do-it-yourself kitchen table project instructions say I should already have these laying around the garage.") - The "K" in Phillip K. Dick. Did he think we'd confuse him with another famous Phil Dick? (All the other ones probably changed their names the moment they turned 18) - Tipsy Dish Syndrome. You know; when you're stacking plates in the cupboard and one of them starts rocking back and forth going ticka ticka ticka ticka and won't stop even after you walk away to another part of the house, and you have to reach in and grab the damned thing and move it around until it stops rocking back and forth because, against all mathematical odds, when you haphazardly placed the clean plate into the cupboard on top of another plate you fortuitously found the perfect balancing point between it and the plate below it, and even if you tried to make it go ticka ticka ticka ticka you could never get it to rock back and forth like that again. And they say there is no such thing as a perpetual motion machine. Oh yeah? Just come 'round my house next time I'm doing the dishes! - When one side of a double door has been locked. Why do business -- especially restaurants -- lock one side of the double doors at their entrance -- and then not bother to put a sign saying "please use other door" on the locked door? Do they like seeing us plant our faces and bodies on these senseless traps? Of course, some places do put the sign up. But I must confess that I find that equally amusing; there's never explanation. It just seems weird. Just once I'd like to see the sign say "Please use other door -- don't ask why." In fact, I think I'd reaaaaalllly avoid a door that had that sign on it. - People filing out only one of the doors at a movie theater after the movie is out. What's really amusing is when I open one of the other doors and barge through, other people seem amazed. The other doors open? Guess they've all been conditioned by restaurants who lock one of the double doors. - Cars with different color replacement body panels and/or doors. Paint it already, it's hurting my eyes! It's also pretty funny when you see broken windows replaced with a garbage bag taped over the hole. I had a window smashed out once, and I had it replaced before the end of the day. No garbage bags fer me. Guess it's just my hangup. - Headrest TVs in cars. It's even more annoying when you see some big SUV cruising down the road with four headrest LCD TV's playing a movie to nobody. Except for the driver, there's nobody in the car. They're just showing off their cheap, headrest TV sets and their bad taste in movies! - Motorcyclists who wear their helmets indoors. Whether they're posers walking into the local pub (you hear that you Silverlake motoguzzi guys? You know who I'm talking about -- Red Lion Tavern, last week, that's November 2005... uh huh. BUSTED!) so that everybody knows that the cool, vintage bikes parked outside are theirs; or just the local yokel who wears his helmet into the quick mart store while paying for his gas...well... these people need to be... uhm, educated. It isn't that hard to remove a helmet -- I know, I've been riding 30 years! And let's face it; cool is who you are, not what you ride, or what you wear -- and anybody who plasters the colors of the Italian flag their open face helmet, leaves the helmet on and then walks into a German pub is just begging for some quality heckling. - DVD's that force you to run previews before allowing you to watch the movie you BOUGHT. I used to be a theater projectionist in the early 1980's. I remember one day a man stormed out of our theater, angry about the advertisements our theater was airing before movies. I FEEL HIS PAIN! :( - The "hat backwards" trend. It's not the backwards baseball hat that sets off this peeve -- as a photographer, I've had instances when I had to reverse a hat to accommodate a bulky camera for a shot or two. Nor is it the amusing amount of attention kids (and some older folks) put into aligning the reversed hat so the back rim is just above their eyebrows. It's the attitude and self-conscious "don't I look cool?" body language and mannerisms that typically accompany this adolescent "fashion" trend. But I shouldn't complain too loudly; I garner a lot of quality amusement when I see some teenie-bopper squinting in the sun because he's too proud to swivel his cap around and use the cap's sun bill for it's intended purpose. Ahhhh peer pressure... without it, what hope would any stupid trend have? But I guess I will always be amused when I see an impractical interpretation of a practical object. Reminds me of the way ancient cultures struggled with their fashion rituals. - Cheap beer. Budweiser, Busch, Michelob, Miller, MGD, Old Milwaukee... If I was a time traveler heading into the past, I'd probably struggle the most with this reality of pre 21st Century America. Or I'd just go to Europe instead. (the coffee is also much better there). I only average about three or four beers a month. When I have a beer, by golly it had better be a good one. (some of my favorites include: Newcastle, London Pride, Guinness, Samuel Adams Lager.) - News reports that start, "Reports are sketchy, but..." If reports are sketchy, they why are you reporting it at all? What happened to "just the facts, ma'am"--? - Why no teaspoon? It annoys me that many restaurants serve iced tea in a tall glass without giving you a genuine, tall teaspoon. You end up trying to stir the sugar with your straw, and it's one of those bendable straws... it's not a pretty picture. - No fresh lemon? Uhm, hmm. Restaurants that refill your iced tea, but don't replace your wrung-out lemon wedge with a fresh one. - No lemon with my tea! -- Well of course I'm going to whine about this one; restaurants that serve tea with no lemon wedge. - When people say, "But you knew that, right?". No I didn't know that! That's why I asked about it! - When people say, "You didn't know that, really? Slowly I turn.... - People who always win at Trivia Pursuit -- 3/4ths of my family tree is inflicted with this genetic disorder. But I seem to be exempt. My favorite Trivia Pursuit moment: 1984, Lake Honnedaga, New York Family Reunion, a four-eyed cousin answers the question "What do the initials INRI on the Cross of Christ stand for?" His answer: "I'm Nailed Right In". - "It's the best part!". Unless you're starving, or from another culture, then pizza crust, dark chicken meat, fried skin of the chicken, potato skin, fish eyes... are not the "best part" of any meal. If the pizza crust was the "best part" there would be more pizza crust, and less sauce, cheese, and toppings. If dark meat was the best part of chicken or turkey, KFC wouldn't charge extra for all-white-meat orders. If fish eyes were the best part of the fish, certain other countries would put fish eyes on the menu. Oh, wait; they are on the menu in certain other countries. - Amusement park "cast members" who can't enunciate into the microphone as they narrate your tour or start your ride. It's a microphone, not a banana; you don't eat it, you talk into it, clearly and slowly. - Car & truck commercials that feature vehicles racing across a dry lake bed. It's old already, OK? And, what's the point anyway? If you really want to sell me your vehicle, lower the price and increase the gas mileage and longevity. I don't care if it's got a "Hemi". (pop quiz: what does "hemi" stands for? Answer: Hemispherical... I'll let you guess what that refers to...) - Swap Meet Price Gougers. Q: Remember when going to a swap meet meant finding great deals? A: Barely. Nowadays it seems that swap meets are baited fields for shameless price gougers preying upon the unwary. I once had a man try to sell me a cheap, beat up, plastic Oster blender for $25.00. I explained to him that I could about buy a new one for that much. He said, "Yeah, but you'd have to pay tax." Oh Silly me! Other favorite swap meet moments: a Ham trying to sell me a USED, and OLD 2 meter mobile rig for $300.00!!!! His excuse? It was "high power" -- 70 watts. Whoopdee freakin doo! It's USED AND OLD! Later dude! A lady once tried to sell me a TINY, BROKEN wooden shelf unit for "$24.95". I don't know what's more irritating; people asking these prices, or people paying these prices. Then there's the lady who tried to sell me true military MRE's at $140 per case! She said they were rare and in high demand. Goodbye you freakin thief! I went home, logged onto Ebay and scored three NEWER cases of true military MRE's, delivered TO MY DOOR for a TOTAL cost of LESS than $60 per case!!! Then there's the Ebay gougers... I once emailed a hapless bidder and warned him he was about to pay new price for a used Kenwood HT. - Point 95 Pricing. "Only 19.95!" You mean twenty bucks, right? Then just say twenty bucks! Don't tell me the car costs $23,000 when in fact it costs $23,900, which means $24,000, which after tax and title is about $26,500. And what's with home sellers asking "$499,000.00" --???? Do they really think their home is being offered in the four hundred thousand range? - Ebay Retailers. Uhm, I thought it was a place to go for DEALS on USED stuff? - Oversized SUV's and trucks -- The reeeeeally big ones. I mean, how many of us really and truly need to drive around in friggin' farm equipment? I'll give SUV's one vote; they are much easier to get in and out of, and can be very "back friendly" to those of us with bad backs and could do without all the stooping and bending to wrestle cargo and groceries out of the back. But you don't need a flappin' tractor to accomplish this. A recent report suggested that the majority of SUV buyers were a very self-centered, selfish and shallow lot. And fish swim in the ocean. Surprise, surprise. - Music videos featuring the artist prancing around on a dry lake bed (you hear that, Shania Twain? Just do us guys a favor and strip to your birthday suit -- we don't care where you do this). - Heinz ketchup bottles -- the classic "bottle necked" type. Why? Why? WHY do these still exist? Does the Heinz family just hate us all? There's nothing fun about beating the shit out of a bottle just to deliver a dollup of ketchup to your food -- and I've got better things to do with my knife than stick it up the throat of this functional disaster. - Businesses that say they'll phone you when your order, or part, or product is in. Come on! They never follow up and actually call you! Actually, a tire salesman once did call me about my tire order --two weeks after I'd already picked them up. Better late than never. I suppose. - "No Fear" window stickers on trucks and cars. As a former skydiver and BASE jumper, I've always wanted to pull people with this sticker over and ask "OK. So, what have you done lately? Skateboarding? Surfing four foot waves? Taking your SUV out for a spin?" (are they not afraid of their monthly gas bill in those monster trucks?) - Hot rodded rice burners -- aka "Tuners". You know, little cars like Honda Civics that have been lowered and tricked out. As a former hot-rodder, I do appreciate some of them -- some are quite fast and nice looking and sounding. But when you grew up in the age of the V8 "yank tank" classic hot-rods, it's hard not to laugh when you see some spike-haired punk whizzing down the freeway in one of these tin-cans, bouncing around in his seat because there's no suspension. And let's face it; the performance mufflers make them sound like somebody farting in a beer can. - Cell Phone Posers -- those folks who try to enhance their sense of self-importance by having loud, name-dropping phone conversations in crowded public places. My favorite was this guy at a restaurant who blabbered on and on about these big business deals he was making. His friend was shrinking away in embarrassment. Curious, I followed them outside afterwards; he was a port-o-potty vendor with a trailer full of the smelly green boxes!!!!!!! - Loud, gabby restaurant patrons -- some people are born with naturally loud voices. When combined with the gift of gab, it can be a tiresome combination for the rest of us hoping to enjoy a quiet meal. (But you know we've all done it at one time or another!) - Carl's Jr. commercials where people are pigging out on a burger, "getting it all over their face" while telling us "don't bother me, I'm eating" It's just an unpleasant sight that makes me change the channel and NOT want to ever eat at a Carl's Jr. Besides, the world already knows we're a bunch of fat, over-fed pigs. Why encourage it? - "Behind the Scenes" documentaries where cast and crew spit out lofty sound bites about what the film is "really about" as if theirs is the only film ever made. Rarely is there anything new revealed. Besides, we all know how many "hours it takes each day" to put on somebody's prosthetics and fancy make up -- move on already! It was old after the first Star Wars specials in the 1970's! - Feeling for a light switch in a dark room. It just annoys me! Maybe I need to get the "clapper". This is probably the purest and least baggage-ridden of my peeves. - Too many freakin' keys! -- when the Key Monster comes for you, it's time to simplify your life! (I reeeeeally need to take heed to that advice!) "It's a miracle!" -- Oh, really? So then why is it a "miracle" when a pilot successfully crash lands his or her airplane and narrowly misses a crowded elementary school. But when he or she narrowly misses abandoned warehouse instead, it's just "good piloting". Hmmm... And when somebody survives in the rubble of an earthquake of course it's a "miracle". Has to be, right? But when somebody's dog similarly survives an earthquake, it's just a "lucky dog". I guess this is one reason I'm not peeved about the phrase "shit happens" -- to us critical thinkers, it's an accurate phrase! - Car dealer's license plate frames. Why do soooo many people leave these frames ("Joe Blow [Mercedes, Toyota, Ford...] Auto Plaza!") in place after they get their state license plate issued? The dealer should be paying you for this advertising! They're pulling one over on you -- again! I've resolved to have a custom plate frame made that says, "read my lips; no free advertising here." or "I bought it at a dealership, do you really care which one?" - The Superbowl. It's nothing more than an overrated commercial and promotional clearing house. Many college football games are far more entertaining. Besides, I hate football! (Rugby is more entertaining, don't ya think?) - Informercials. Do they ever really get to the point and tell you what you're getting for your $29.99? - Low-budget local TV commercials. What can I say; it's where talent goes to die. - Bad "late show" monologues. Oh, wait-- I'm being redundant. They're all bad! That's the point! - Any Academy Awards presentation not hosted by Billy Crystal. Every other host is either too angry (you listening, Whoopie?), to ill-humored, too political, and badly written! - Star's who cling too long to a cultivated, self-conscious "look". Whoopie's non-functional purple glasses that rest annoyingly on her cheeks; Winona Ryder's tiresome side-burn locks; Dennis Rodman's face; Jennifer Aniston's perfect hair (I'll excuse her perfect, erh, uhm, tater-tots); Brad Pitt's self-inflicted scruffiness. Move on, Folks! Even Michael Bolton got rid of his mullet! - The "messy hair" look. History will not be kind to this one. I can't wait to see the scrapbook photos 20 years from now. It might even be funnier than looking at high school year books from the 70's and 80's. (yeah, that's me with the feathered hair...) - Angry comedians. It's called comedy; not angry social commentary. The idea is to laugh, not go home depressed or socially stirred. |